So i think i’m going to give up on all this shit at my house and everything in my life and just start walking and become a hobo no one needs me here and no one will miss me and all the people that hate me are don’t want to talk to me want see stuff from me so i think it would be a good idea i’m really thinking about it if nun of this gets better and it mite make me a better person to cuz i make people mad and i don’t like that at all i wanna be the person that when people say squirrel ohh yeah we’ve had some good times and bad times but well fuck nvm just i wanna be a person that people like and i don’t make mad and i think this would help me are just become a alcoholic bum cuz i fell a lot and i fell on people spashley the ones that i love like my sister my mom and grandma and some one else but i don’t want to say there name but she’s the one that i have let down and makes mad and i’m too stupid to know how i did so i need to do something and i think this is it it’s helped my uncle he’s gone thru what i’m kinda going thru so i think i need to do it and i’ve told my family all this and my uncle he said it could but it’s hard and it’s going to bring you down but it will help you figure out your life and what you need to do and i umm i’ve always have been a christian and i talk to him and stuff like pry and i go to him a lot for help and like stuff where i’m stuck and i don’t know what to do and wish that things could be better and i think him every day for letting me be here but i just need to know why i am but i asked him what i should do and i said i need a answer of something showing me what to do are a change and i told my grandma to and she’s been dead for about a year and i know this might sound weird and creepy but yeah she wanted to be cremated so we did that and now we have her ashes in like a ashe box thing and we have her in my moms room on a dresser with all the things she likes and me and her use to read this book when i was little you might know it its called love you forever and we would always say to each other when we were going to bed are anytime ohh and this saying is in the book but we changed it up a little we would say i love you for ever i love you for always as long as i’m living my grandma you’ll be and she would say baby instead of grandma and i would always go up to the hospital as she was dying and read this book to her and i would see this biggest smile on her face and she would hold my harm as i was reading it to her and moving her thumb on my arm kinda like rubbing my arm as she’s holding it and i would start crying cuz she knew that she was going and i knew it i just didn’t want her to think that cuz i didn’t want to cuz i needed her and she needed me and one night they said she was getting better but in the morning she was having a seizure i would always stay the night in here room cuz my mom it hurt here but it hurt me to but i wanted to be there for her cuz she was always there for me no matter what so i was there when this was happening so i hard all the things go off and all the people running in so i was watching and the they made me get out and i said no i’m staying right here with her so i started reading the book really loud cuz i was scared and i thought if there was any way that she heard it it would help and it did and then she was sleeping after the seizure and they said that she will probably go tonight she woke up but she was all messed up she was breathing really hard and it was like she was having a seizure but she was a little coherent and looking at me and my family and they said that she’s going she cant feel anything cuz of all the stuff we’re giving her so right then i knew i was going to lose her and my whole family did so she was looking at us as all this was going on and i could tell she knew it was coming all my family couldn’t be in there cuz it was hurting them but i needed to be and i wanted to be in there with here so i started to talk to here and she couldn’t talk no more but she could kinda move her head and it hurt so bad seeing her like that and she was trying so hard just to move her head and i started to read the book aging cuz i was thinking that this it properly going to be the last time i can well i knew it but i did want to think it and she would still hold my arm and she would look at me the whole time and then i was done and she looked at me and smiled and i said i love you for ever i love you for always as long as i’m living my grandma you’ll be and then she pulled her mask of and all the things and tried so hard to say it and she was holding both my hands squeezing them saying it and then she was gone and i didn’t know what to do i just set there holding her hands and looking at her so i closed her eyes and i just layed my head on her chest and cried and then the doctors came in and then they didn’t know she was dead cuz she took all here stuff off and i was there just holding her and crying they ran and got my family and my mom was just standing there crying and my grandpa was just looking and i stayed with her for about an hour they left and it was just me and her and then these guys came in and said they have to take her to the morgue place to get cremated but i wasn’t letting go of her i know it sounds weird to hug on to someone dead but i think if you love a person so much and there the ones you go to when your hurting your sad and you don’t know what to do i think you would it hurts to have some one go that you tell everything to and is always there for you so when ever someone leaves me that i love are tell everything about me and i want to know them for ever and be with them for ever it feels just like when my grandma died so my family came in and tried to pull me and my grandpa tried and he has always been bad to my grandma fighting and cursing at her and didn’t love her no more so i hit him and said do you see what she when’t to haven with all your fighting and cursing at her you don’t do that to a woman are a girl its not right you don’t do it to no one you didn’t even cry are anything when she was dying so i kissed her and i left and i have done well nvm i say random stuff when i’m trying to talk and i start on a whole different storey but i told her what i should do and i said the same thing i told god give me a sign i haven’t told my mom yet and my sister are brother i want to but there still young and know i’m tellin y’all and i need some help on what i should do if any one can tell me what i should do i would really appreciate it

(Source: xivsquirrelvix)